Since the last time I updated this blog so much has happened. As far as my ADHD goes, it’s been extremely tough, to say the least. I have been struggling to manage it on my own, all my apps and resources slowly began to go unused, I sold my FitBit, and I sank into a pit of discouragement and lack of motivation. I started losing any bit of productivity I had at home and my relationship and friendships were struggling because of it. I excused myself on the basis that I have ADHD for a long time before I realized expecting a free pass for neglecting everything important in my life was absolutely unreasonable of me. Why should the people I love have to suffer because I’m not willing to change something I have the power to change?
So after literally years of procrastinating and telling myself I preferred not to be medicated, I finally bit the bullet and spoke to my doctor about going back on Concerta. The reason I went to see my doctor was completely unrelated to my ADHD but I figured if I was going to be there anyway, now is a great time to bring it up. Who knows when the next time I’d see him would be? So I went in, we talked about the initial reason I was there and then towards the end of the appointment, we talked about my ADHD. My biggest fear is that he’d tell me I didn’t need medication or that I was fully capable of managing my ADHD on my own, so I braced myself for that. That wasn’t the outcome.
He looked at me, arms folded and said “So… tell me about your ADHD.”, and with that I literally burst into tears. I started trying to tell him through tears and sniffs how tough the last two years had been. I tried to explain how I just couldn’t make myself do things I know I am supposed to do and how it was really affecting my relationships. I was struggling to even tell him because I was crying so hard, but I know in that moment he could see the toll my ADHD had taken on me. It had completely taken control of my body and my life and I was sick of it. We switched the conversation to which medication I had been on last, Concerta. We discussed the side effects I experienced at the time, the dosage I was on, and we decided to use that as our starting point. I was prescribed 18mg, 1 time daily.
My expectation of the Concerta was that I’d get home, pop this pill, and turn into super girl. I’d clean my whole house, I’d cook dinner, I’d do all the things I was supposed to do and everything would magically improve. Instead, I took my first pill and felt like the kool-aid guy about to bust through a fucking wall. My heart rate was so fast, I felt like I was awake for the first time in years, but I still didn’t want to clean or organize or do anything productive.
Fast forward to me finishing up my first month, I just ran out and am ready for a refill.
I feel a lot more alert. Before being medicated I couldn’t recall the last time I went through the day feeling like I had the energy to move let alone do household tasks. It definitely makes me feel more awake, more aware of my surroundings, and more alert in general. I think that combined with sheer will power is enough to make me more productive. It’s certainly no miracle drug, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction. I’m able to do more than I was doing before based solely on the fact that I don’t feel so physically exhausted 24/7. So I’m calling it a win and I will keep you all updated on my progress. 🙂